dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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