My liver just broke up with me...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
