Betty ford says i'm here all night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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