I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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