I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
