fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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