whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
