i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
3pm strippers are depressing
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
