are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
