Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
