Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
