wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
