Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
