He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
