I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
