I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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