Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
