any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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