We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
