In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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