The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
