My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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