Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
