I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
