you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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