The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
