I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
