life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
what day is it and did you see me today?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
