You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
