I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
