My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize