Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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