she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
please come you make the beer taste better
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
