Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
