clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
