im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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