you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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