I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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