I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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