Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
