is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
