Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
