I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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