The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
