You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
