You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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