Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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