Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
