The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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