So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
