Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
COCAINE IS GR8
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize