I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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