I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
