But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
