Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
