I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
